In which Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) responds to the Manager of a Taiwanese bank who is attempting to liberate the funds of an extremely rich (and unfortunately dead) customer. Will Wing Commander Murray be able to drum up any support for his ludicrous England for the English campaign in Taiwan? Or should that be Thailand? He does get rather confused about that sort of thing, bless him.

Cast of characters

Gilbert Murray – Wing Commander, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.).
Chan Fung – allegedly the Manager of a Taiwanese bank.
Pamela Gore – allegedly an employee in the Customer Services department of a Dutch bank.
Peter Van Baker – allegedly the Dutch bank’s Director of Payment.

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent From Taiwan

Sent: Wed, 07 Apr 2023 05:29:21 -0700

Mr Chan Fung,
Manager of Land Bank,
Kincheng Branch,
6, Min Shen Road, Kicheng Chen,
Kinmen Hsien, Fukien, Taiwan,
Republic of China

I am Mr Chan Fung, Bank Manager of Land Bank, Kincheng branch, Fukien, Taiwan. I have an urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.

On June 6, 1999, a British oil consultant/contractor with the Chinese Solid Minerals Corporation, Mr Smith Lawrence, made a numbered time (fixed) deposit for twelve calendar months, valued at $30,000,000.00 (thirty million dollars) in my branch. Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Chinese Solid Minerals Corporation, that Mr Smith Lawrence died from an automobile accident. On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a will, and all attempts to trace his next of kin were fruitless.

I therefore made further investigations and discovered that Mr Smith Lawrence did not declare any kin or relations in all his official documents, including his bank deposit paperwork in my bank. This sum of $30,000,000.00 is still sitting in my bank and the interest is being rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year. No one will ever come forward to claim it. According to the laws of the Republic of China, at the expiration of 5 (five) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Chinese government if nobody applies to claim the fund.

Consequently, my proposal is that I would like you as a foreigner to stand in as the next of kin to Mr Smith Lawrence so that the fruits of this old man’s labour will not get into the hands of some corrupt government officials. This is simple, I would like you to provide immediately your full name and address so that the attorney will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits that will put you in place as the next of kin. We shall employ the services of an attorney for drafting and notarisation of the will and to obtain the necessary documents and letter of probate/administration in your favour for the transfer. A bank account in any part of the world that you will provide will then facilitate the transfer of this money to you as the beneficiary/next of kin. The money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 90% for me and 10% for you.

There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution of this transaction. If you are interested, please reply immediately via this email address. Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction. Please send me your confidential telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.

Please observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country. Awaiting your urgent reply.

Thanks and regards,

Mr Chan Fung

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Re: Urgent From Taiwan

Sent: Fri, 16 Apr 2023 09:43:26

Fung,

I do not know how you obtained my personal email address, or what made you write to me on this matter. However, you may just have contacted the right man. I’ve never been one to turn down the chance to make a bit of money, and this caper sounds right up my street. I could be in a position to help you.

Apologies for the delay in getting back to you. Been away with the wife in Eastbourne and only just got around to checking my emails. Dreadful place if you ask me, but it keeps her quiet and that’s the main thing.

Anyway, I trust I’ve not missed the boat. If you require my assistance, email me back with further details.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Details from Chan

Sent: Sun, 18 Apr 2023 15:10:42 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert,

I wish to thank you so much for your response to my proposal which I feel you must have read through and understood. I want you to know that this transaction is 100% risk free. However, I shall call you to discuss this mutual benefitting transaction with you.

I shall need your contact address, confidential telephone number and account details which I will forward to my lawyer for the processing of the documentation, but you see this transaction involves a lot of money as you can understand. As such I will want you to have every picture regarding the project as it will only take a very short period of time to complete. I request your contact address which I shall hand over to the attorney I have appointed over here to commence with the paperwork that will present you as the beneficiary to these funds.

I will like to have a little profile of you. I mean the kind of business you do, if you are married and other things you feel I should know to make me more comfortable in this transaction with you. I shall provide you with the full details of this transaction once I have your positive response and the telephone number you can reach me on. Please understand that I am only being careful as I do not want to lose these funds and I also do not want to be betrayed.

I have perfected all modalities about this transaction as long as you keep to the confidentiality and follow the instructions I shall hand over to you from time to time. If you have any question at this time, please ask now as it is good for us to have a better understanding of each other at the beginning of this transaction.

All I request from you is your contact address for the documentation and your account details where you want these funds to be transferred to. Even a zero balance account will be okay. But I need a little profile like I said before we commence this project.

Thank you so much as I look forward to a successful transaction with you.

Sincerely,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: The details you requested

Sent: Mon, 19 Apr 2023 12:25:37

Fung,

Thank you for your email.

Before we go any further, I think there’s one thing we need to clear up: kindly address me properly, as “Wing Commander Murray”. Only my closest friends call me “Gilbert”, and I don’t have many of those. Of course, Mrs Murray calls me “Gilbert” too, but that’s neither here nor there.

Now then, you asked for some details about my good self. Fair enough. I can see where you’re coming from. Better to be safe than sorry. No point getting involved with a fella then finding out they’re as reliable as a Welshman. Better to get all this out in the open at the start, then we both know where we stand.

Well, here’s my life in brief. Born 1937. Educated at Eton. Left school with no formal qualifications, but with a good appreciation of the values of decency, discipline, honesty and teamwork.

After school, followed in the footsteps of my father and joined the Royal Air Force. Flew Vulcans and did my bit to try and keep the remnants of the Empire together. Bit of a lost cause as it turned out: the only Empire we’ve got now seems to be a useless rock on the edge of Spain, a penguin colony in the South Atlantic, and the Isle of Wight. Flew around the world and managed to gain an appreciation of a wide range of cultures, before bombing the living daylights out of them. Moved up the ranks quickly and decorated with more medals than you could shake a stick at.

Retired two years ago. Now living in quiet retirement with the wife in remote Lincolnshire village. Financially sound. Excellent health and sound mind. Keep myself busy managing my many investments - I’ve been quite lucky on the stock market – and acting as Secretary for the England for the English campaign. There’s my background in a nutshell.

Now then, you wanted my contact details. Not a problem. Here they are:

Full Name: Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

Address: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK

Telephone: 01927 58367

You also asked for my bank account details. Well, I’m sure you’ll understand if I hold back that information until I know a little more about your good self. I’ve given you my background, now let’s hear a bit about you. Once I know a bit more about you, we’ll be ready to move ahead with the speed of a Vulcan bomber.

Looking forward to a prompt response. Let’s start as we mean to go on.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: TREAT AS VERY URGENT

Sent: Mon, 19 Apr 2023 16:08:20 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Murray,

I am very happy that I am dealing with a responsible and matured man which makes very comfortable and happy. Look partner, I will let you know that all modalities to the success of this transaction have been put in place, as I am going to forward your details to a reputable lawyer here in Taiwan to handle all the documentation and legal procedures. I am going to pay him a huge amount of money to follow up the legal procedures.

Partner, I am a married man with three children and they are all doing real fine, apart from my wife who is a diabetic patient and I intend taking her to America soon for an operation. As the fund is a very huge amount of money I cannot afford it for now, but I am hoping when we share this fund. I will send to you a copy of my international passport as soon as possible for identity and trust as I will like you to know who you are dealing with.

Please, your account details are needed urgently. Even a zero account will be OK for this transaction as my lawyer wants to start with the processing of the documentation and the follow up of the legal procedures. I will like you to follow instructions given to you from time to time to make sure we attain success.

Treat this as very urgent as I want to round up this transaction as soon as possible.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Hold fire on the lawyer: I may be able to help

Sent: Tue, 20 Apr 2023 12:10:26

Fung,

Thank you for your email and for providing me with some more information about yourself. Sorry to hear about your wife. Apologies and all that. Three children, eh? Hope they’re all fit and healthy. Don’t spare the rod, that’s my advice.

I fully understand the need for a bank account. As it happens, I have to go into town later today to take the wife shopping, so I will pop into the bank while Mrs Murray is trying on shoes and set up a new account specifically for the purposes of this transaction. I think that’s best, don’t you? I’ll send you details of the bank account tomorrow.

Now then, this lawyer chappie you’re on about. You say you’re going to pay him “a huge amount of money”. Well I think I can help you out here and save us both a bit of cash. I have used the same lawyer for over ten years – Welsby of the firm Elton & Welsby – and trust the man to the hilt. He is thoroughly decent and honest, and also charges a very fair fee. The man’s got a mind as sharp as a rapier. He was invaluable last year following an unfortunate misunderstanding during bob-a-job week, when a boy scout I’d paid to buff up my brogues got his woggle caught in my belt buckle. The poor lad was down on his knees and was completely stuck. I had to take my trousers off to free him before he choked, at which point the boy’s mother walked in. She got completely the wrong idea. Anyway, Welsby managed to ensure that all charges were dropped.

What do you reckon? Just give me the nod and I shall pop my head round Welsby’s door and get him to shoot into action on our behalf.

I have to say, I have some very fond memories of your country. I was stationed there for some time as a young bomber pilot. Aah, Bangkok... now there’s an aptly-named place. The bars, the late-night gambling dens, the women... mind you, bit of a confusing place too, if I remember rightly. Women that looked like men, boys that looked like girls... dashed difficult to tell the difference a lot of the time. Mind you, after a few pints of the local brew, none of us minded much either way. You can usually fit a square peg into a round hole if you bang away at it hard enough, if you get my meaning. Not the sort of thing you tell the wife though, of course. Tell me, does that sort of thing still go on?

Anyway, back to business. Let me know if I should get onto Welsby, and I’ll send you details of my bank account as soon as I have them.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THANK YOU, PLEASE TRY TO TREAT AS VERY URGENT

Sent: Tue, 20 Apr 2023 09:21:36 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert,

I hope you and your family are all in good health. Look, this transaction is a very confidential transaction. I don’t want you to disclose it to anybody. Look partner, I told you that all modalities have been put in place for the success of this transaction. Look, I don’t want you to disclose this transaction to anybody till when the fund leaves Taiwan as I don’t want anybody to look over their shoulder as that fund is a very huge amount of money I don’t want to joke with. Please, you don’t have to worry about that as my lawyer will handle all the legal procedures as he is a very reputable lawyer here in Taiwan. Please, I don’t want anybody to know of this transaction as I expect you to keep utmost confidentiality till when I make the transfer out of Taiwan.

Please try to send your account details urgently as my lawyer wants to start with the processing of documentation.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: No need to contact Welsby, then?

Sent: Tue, 20 Apr 2023 18:22:22

Fung,

I am in receipt of your email. No need to contact Welsby, you say? Fair enough. I’m sure you know what you’re doing. I just hope this lawyer of yours is up to scratch. We’ll soon see.

Important point: kindly remember to address me properly. As I have already told you, almost nobody calls me “Gilbert”. It’s “Wing Commander Murray” to you, if you’ll be so kind my good man.

Now then, I’ve set up a new account with my bank. Here’s the details you need:

Bank Account Name: Gilbert Arnold Murray

Bank Account Number: 74053275

Sort Code: 21-38-19

Account Holding Bank: Bartletts Bank PLC, 14 Slocombe Street, Lincoln, Lincolnshire, UK

The account is currently empty and ready for us to use for the purposes of this transaction. I trust that this meets with your approval.

Now then, where do we go from here?

Have to tell you, afraid I won’t be available tomorrow. Annual General Meeting of the England for the English campaign I told you about. Very important. Can’t be helped.

No matter, I will return to this business with gusto on Thursday. Then we’ll power ahead, you mark my words.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WE HAVE COMMERCE TRANSACTION MY PARTNER

Sent: Tue, 20 Apr 2023 15:34:14 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I have received your details. Now I am certain that you are willing to give the required assistance and I must maintain that we shall succeed as we are about to commence this deal. I want to say that I am happy with your response to my emails and I also want to let you know that I need your continuous commitment and seriousness to instructions I shall hand over to you as this transaction progresses. Let me reiterate here that I seek assistance from you that will benefit us immensely. I believe in the principle of look before you leap, that is why I am sending you more information to enable you have an in-depth and total understanding of this transaction before we commence.

I feel safer now communicating with you, bringing you into the full picture of this deal with your apparent understanding of the need for utmost confidentiality and secrecy about every detail of this transaction till such a time when it is safe to do otherwise.

What must be done:

First thing this morning, I will take the information you have provided to the attorney who will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits which will put you in place as the next of kin. The attorney will draft a will which will name you as the beneficiary/sole executor of the will. This will will be backdated to purport that it had been written and signed by the depositor himself. The attorney will file in the high court with an appropriate affidavit in order to empowering you as the next of kin/sole beneficiary and trustee/sole executor of the estate of depositor, which includes the sum of $30 million lying in the account number which I shall give you. All these processes will be accomplished within seven working days and money will be transferred to your account immediately. The very good thing about this transaction is that it will be done in a very proper and legal manner.

Upon preparation of these documents and approvals from the relevant authorities, then our correspondent bank in Europe will transfer the money to your nominated account. The attorney will handle all the processes of obtaining the approvals on your behalf and therefore I hope that you be very certain of the bank information you have provided. On completion of this transaction, you will be required to hold this fund in your account until I come over to your country for the sharing of the money.

There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution of this transaction. Please observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us. I hope this will be an enduring partnership, because I will need your help to do a research into viable and feasible investment options for me. I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country, as any attempt for me to invest my share of the money in my country will only trigger off attention to me and a chain of investigation will ensue. I am taking more time to explain to you the details of this transaction, some of which I might have written to you in my previous email containing more informations. This is because I want to be sure that you understand this transaction deeply in as much as I would continuously need your seriousness and commitment, so that together we shall successfully bring this transaction to completion.

It is of utmost importance that you communicate only with the provided email address. Correspond to smooth out entangled issues that you do not understand or send me an email. I will also call you as I have earlier told you, as I need to also speak with you in person. I will update you with progress on the transaction shortly. I await response via email while anticipating your full co-operation. I also assure you that you will definitely smile forever after the transaction has been completed.

Sincerely yours,

Mr Chan Fung

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Message understood

Sent: Wed, 21 Apr 2023 05:55:37

Fung,

Just checking my emails before leaving this morning for the England for the English AGM I told you about. Just wanted to let you know that your message got through and although I found your email rather complicated, I think I understand everything. All seems present and correct.

Well done on managing to address me correctly, by the way. Good show. Keep it up.

I am sure you’re right: I have a feeling that I certainly will “smile forever after the transaction has been completed”.

One thing: are you sure this whole affair is strictly legal and above board? Sounds like we could be sailing a bit close to the wind, if you catch my drift. Do you see? Please reassure me on this matter.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE TREAT AS VERY URGENT

Sent: Wed, 21 Apr 2023 17:51:50 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I thank you for your response as my lawyer has notified me today that all documents will be ready soon and I will make a transfer to a correspondent bank to my bank in Europe and I will send to your bank a contact to secure the account and instruct the bank to make a transfer to your local account, as all documents will be bearing your names as the beneficiary of the fund.

Immediately the legal department of my bank approves all documents, I will immediately make a transfer to a correspondent bank in Europe, which you shall instruct to make a direct transfer to your account in your country and I will send to you contact details of the bank in Europe, as all documents will be bearing your name as the next of kin to the late Smith Lawrence and as the beneficiary of the fund.

You don’t have to worry as we are going to succeed in this transaction, as I will make the transfer as soon as possible to the offshore bank and you will instruct the bank as the beneficiary of the fund and you will be in control of the fund till when I join. I will like you to provide me with a copy of your international passport or picture for identity and trust as I don’t want anything to happen to that fund, as I don’t want to joke the fund, as the fund is a very huge amount of money. I am going to use my share to settle many bills and commitments. Please, it is not as if I don’t trust you, but I am just being careful and watchful as I don’t want anything to happen to the fund when it gets to your country.

Partner, I will like you to advise me of an area of investment in your country, as I will like to invest a part of my share in your country as I don’t want to bring back all my share back to Taiwan because I don’t want anybody to look over their shoulder and I will like you to confirm that the fund will be very safe in your care till when I join you for the sharing, because I am battling to make sure everything goes successfully and I don’t want anything to happen to this fund. It is not as if I don’t trust you, but I have to be careful and watchful.

I await your response and look forward to a successful transaction with you.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: You’ve confused me now

Sent: Thu, 22 Apr 2023 12:03:44

Fung,

Glad to say that the England for the English AGM went marvellously well yesterday. Bit of a long day – I had to get the train all the way to Llangollen where it was being held – but it was a top-notch meeting. Our Chairman, Seamus O’Grady, gave a rousing keynote speech and set the tone for the rest of the day.

Now then Fung. Sorry to say that you’ve managed to confuse me somewhat with your last email. All this talk of your bank and my bank and a correspondent bank and a European bank… how many blessed banks do we need to deal with here? All a bit much for me to take in at once, to tell the truth. Let’s have it explained again, and in plain English this time. Might help if you used a bit of punctuation here and there, do you see?

Thought it might be a good idea if I printed off your email and asked Welsby for his advice. He’s always good at explaining complex things in words of one syllable. What do you think? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.

Now, you say you want some sound investment advice. Well, you’ve come to the right chap. I think I mentioned I’ve done quite well out of the stock market over the years. Good eye for a company on the up, that’s the secret. Buy at the bottom and sell at the top. Finger to the ground, eyes in the air, nose peeled and all that. Just what the doctor ordered.

Well, right now I’d recommend putting your money into Arkwright’s Stores. I read in the Financial Times the other day that they’ve just got rid of their old cash registers, which were proving damn troublesome, and invested in new ones. The pundits reckon this’ll improve the customer throughput no end. Ronnie Barker, their Chairman, was quoted as saying they’ll be open all hours too, which has got to be good for the share price.

Barker was my rear gunner years ago in the RAF, and he’s a man to be trusted. Saved my life on one occasion. Plane came down in the desert and Johnny Enemy was on us at once. One of them crept up behind me and nearly managed to impale me with his sword. He had his weapon in his hands and was about to slip it into me from behind, when Barker saw what was going on. He jumped up, shouted out a warning and pulled the chap off with his bare hands. Top fella, Barker, do you see?

Another tip. I reckon Cambridge Boat Builders are on the up and up. They hit some choppy waters recently, but I’d say they’re definitely worth a punt now.

Anyway, I’ll keep my eyes open for more good investment opportunities and keep you informed.

Now then Fung, seeing as I’m helping you out with this transaction, I trust you’ll be able to see your way to helping me out with something too. Something close to my heart. It’s a petition for the England for the English campaign. I’ve attached one to this email. Be a good chap: print it out, fill it in, scan it back in and send it back to me as soon as you can. If you could get anyone else at your bank to sign it too, that’d be magnificent. Don’t take your time over it, now. I’ll expect it back from you in the next day or so. Splendid.

Oh, you wanted a photo of me. One attached. Taken from the last England for the English newsletter, in which I wrote a stirring article on the need to repatriate all Cornish people who’ve crossed the border into England. Send ‘em back, that’s what I say. Handsome chap, given my age, wouldn’t you agree? Fresh air, regular exercise and prunes every day for breakfast, that’s the ticket.

Right. Get back to me with a simple explanation of what’s what, and we’re in business.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

Gilbert’s petition
(Click to enlarge)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY, MY PARTNER

Sent: Thu, 22 Apr 2023 15:12:22 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I got your mail and I thank you for your response, and hope you and your family are all doing well. Look partner, I got your form which I will do as soon as possible.

Partner, I don’t want you to disclose this transaction to anybody till when I make the transfer out of Taiwan as I don’t want anybody to look over their shoulder, I told you before to keep utmost confidentiality.

I will explain to you now so that you can understand better.

Look partner, immediately the legal department of my bank approves all the documents, they will initiate a transfer of funds to a correspondent bank in Europe (Holland), where you shall instruct the bank to directly make a transfer to your account in the UK, as I will send to you the bank contact details as soon as possible. I am doing this because if I make a direct transfer to your account in the UK, tax will take a very big share of our fund and I don’t want the fund to be scrutinised and questioned by anybody or agencies as the fund is a very huge amount of money. I don’t want to joke with it as the bank in Holland will transfer the fund to your account in the UK bit by bit. You don’t have to disclose this transaction to anybody, as the bank in Holland will directly make a transfer to your account you have provided. All you have to do is to contact the bank when I make the transfer out of Taiwan as I will send to you the bank contact details.

Partner, you don’t have to worry as I told you that I know all strategies to make transfers outside to other countries without the fund being hooked, or tax claiming a big share of the fund. Please, you have to follow all instructions given to you from time to time to make sure we attain success, as I think all documents will be out today and I will make the transfer immediately and send contact details of the correspondent bank where I will make the transfer to as soon as possible.

I will get to you as soon as possible as I am very busy trying to perfect everything to initiate the transfer out of Taiwan as I don’t want to waste any time as the fund is a very huge amount of money that I don’t want to joke with.

You don’t have to disclose this transaction to anybody as I expect you to keep utmost confidentiality till when the fund leaves Taiwan, as I will get to you as soon as possible.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Message received and understood

Sent: Fri, 23 Apr 2023 08:02:12

Fung,

Thank you for your email. Message received and understood. Slightly perplexed to see that you explained everything at least twice, but maybe that’s the way things are done in the Thai banking world.

So, you’re going to transfer the fund from your bank to a bank in Holland to avoid Johnny Taxman getting his hands on any of it, are you? Marvellous. Good show. Well done. Like your style. Shows initiative. Then I contact the bank in Holland, they transfer the fund over to my bank account and we’re all home and dry and safely back in time for tea. Excellent plan. I like it.

Read the FT yesterday and found another good investment opportunity you might like to consider. Trotter’s Independent Trading. They’ve got offices worldwide, in New York, Paris and Peckham, and although the Vice-Chairman, Rodney, can be a bit of a plonker, that’s not stopped them from posting some damn decent results in the first quarter. Well worth a look I think. A cushty little number, I’d say. I’ll keep my eye on them over the next few weeks and see how they perform.

You’re very keen on confidentiality. No need to worry there, Fung. I’m a man who knows how to keep his mouth shut, and I’m known in the village as a safe pair of hands with a secret. Only last week the local butcher confided in me that he’d got into a feud with a local farmer and had slaughtered all his cattle. Made me promise not to breathe a word of it to anyone. So there you go.

Doing this bit of business with you has brought back all sorts of memories of my time in your country. Damn fine place you live in, I have to say. Tell me, are you based in Bangkok itself, or somewhere out in the sticks?

What’s our next move, my good man?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Appreciate you promising to fill in my petition. Good man. Get it back to me as soon as you can, there’s a good chap.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Murray calling Fung. Please respond

Sent: Sat, 24 Apr 2023 08:01:52

Fung,

Disappointed to not have had a reply from you yet regarding our next step. Appreciate you’re a busy man and all that, but this is a serious business we’re engaged in, and this is no time to be letting your mind wander.

Perhaps you’re taking time to make sure you get my petition completely filled in. Good thinking. Well done. However, don’t let this distract you completely from our transaction.

I’d appreciate it if you could clear your mind of thoughts of pretty girls or whatever, and address yourself to this transaction with some urgency. I’m sitting here like a prize greyhound, straining at the leash to get my teeth around the rabbit of this transaction, and delays are not what we need right now.

Expect to hear from you by return. Good man.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: GOOD NEWS MY PARTNER. PLEASE TREAT AS VERY URGENT

Sent: Sat, 24 Apr 2023 06:34:26 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I told you that all modalities have been put in place for the successful completion of this transaction once you follow instructions given to you from time to time. All I need from you is total commitment and time.

I am happy to inform you that I have just finally been able to initiate the transfer today. I expect that the money should be confirmed with the correspondent bank within 72 hours. The money will be paid through a correspondent bank because a direct transfer cannot be made from my branch here in Taiwan, it has to be via a correspondent bank as I told you about. I did inform you of the apparent dangers of making this direct transfer into your local account and I also want you to know that we shall be losing as much as 40% to your IRS as inheritance taxes if I make a direct wire transfer.

To avoid this, as I said earlier, I am sending you the contact details of the correspondent bank to my bank in Taiwan. All I need from you is to secure an account with this bank and this correspondent bank will directly transfer money to your account in your country. It will be transferred bit by bit or the way you feel it will be comfortable for you, so that anybody cannot look over their shoulder as you don’t have to worry over the fund as you will instruct the bank in Europe to transfer this fund to any account you want to and it will be done bit by bit so that you will not be questioned.

I advise you like I said earlier that you open an account via online with the bank, so that the funds will be moved straight into your account and the transfer will not attract the monetary bodies, as the transfer will be seen as in-house (same telex type as my bank). You can then transfer the funds in safe bits to your main account for both of us.

Please find below the bank’s website:

Europoint Offshore Security Finance: https://www.epsfin.com

Browse it and make enquiries on offshore/online account opening.

Please secure an account and instruct the bank to transfer the fund immediately. Immediately you secure an account, make sure you get back to me and try to update me with all correspondence with the bank in Europe as we have succeeded in this transaction.

I await your fast response and correspondence with the bank in Europe.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Sorry, but you’ve confused me again

Sent: Sat, 24 Apr 2023 21:53:19

Fung,

Thank you for your email. We seem to be making some progress at last. Good show. Well done.

Afraid to say that you’ve managed to confuse me once again. I’ve already opened one bank account for the purposes of this transaction. Am I right in thinking that you now want me to open another one? Will the one I opened the other day not do? Should I open another bank account at Bartletts, my own bank? Please advise. Sorry about the confusion, but all this stuff about bank accounts and transfers is a lot for me to cope with. Would appreciate your help in explaining all this to me.

Pleased to say that I came across another sound investment opportunity in the FT today: Good Life Organic Foods. This operation apparently started off as a small family concern in the 1970s, but the proprietors, Tom and Barbara Good, hit the big time when Margo and Jerry Leadbetter joined the company, giving some much needed financial know-how. The organic market is growing strongly, and I reckon the shares in this company are a good buy at the moment. What do you reckon?

Look forward to hearing from you by return with a bit of an explanation for me.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. No sign of my petition. Send it back, there’s a good chap. I need it pretty sharpish.

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE, FUND IS IN HOLLAND, PLEASE CONTACT BANK IMMEDIATELY AND UPDATE ME IMMEDIATELY

Sent: Sun, 25 Apr 2023 11:59:34 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I hope you and your family are all in good health. Look partner, I told you before now that I am going to use a correspondent bank in Europe which you shall instruct to transfer the fund to your account in your country because of tax claiming a big share of our fund, as I don’t want anything to happen to our fund as I am battling to make sure we are successful in this transaction.

Look partner, the fund is with this bank in Europe as I made a transfer to the offshore bank in Europe. All you have to do is to contact the bank and let them know your fund from Taiwan is with the bank and you want the fund to be transferred to your country bit by bit. I expect you to treat this as very urgent as you are the beneficiary of the fund and all documents are all bearing your names. Partner, let the bank know you want the fund to be transferred bit by bit to avoid any scrutiny and being questioned by anybody or agencies, as the fund is a very huge amount of money with the bank.

Partner, the fund has been transferred out of Taiwan and the fund is with the correspondent bank in Holland. I expect you to contact the bank immediately and make arrangements with the bank to make a transfer immediately to your account you have secured in your country. I expect you to secure an account with this bank as this bank is a offshore bank for transfer and a correspondent bank to my bank.

I think you understand everything perfectly as I don’t want you to waste any time. Please, contact the bank with the contact I have sent to you and make arrangements with the bank contact I sent to you, as I expect you to treat this as very urgent as the fund with the bank is a very huge amount of money I don’t want to joke with.

All you have to do immediately is to contact the bank and let them know you need your fund from Taiwan immediately, and make arrangements with the bank to start making arrangements to transfer the fund to your account in your country bit by bit as I don’t want you to waste any time.

Please contact the bank and make arrangements with the bank in Holland immediately and instruct the bank to transfer the fund as soon as possible to your account, as all documents are all bearing your names, and I expect you to treat this as very urgent as we have a lot to gain, as the fund with the bank is a very huge amount of money I don’t want to joke with as I have many bills and commitments to settle with my share, as I am still holding my lawyer some balance money to pay to him and I intend taking my wife out for treatment, as I will like to round up this transaction soon as possible.

Contact the bank immediately and let them know you need your fund from Taiwan as you are the beneficiary of the fund and the next of kin to the late Smith Lawrence, and all documents are bearing your names and you want them to start making arrangements to transfer the fund to the UK without any delays, as I expect you to make arrangements with the bank immediately and update me as soon as possible when the fund is set to leave Holland.

I await your fast response and hope you understand every procedure as we have succeeded in this transaction.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Let me get this straight

Sent: Sun, 25 Apr 2023 22:51:09

Fung,

Thank you for your email. I’m sorry, my dear chap, but I’m still confused.

You say that you’ve transferred this money from Thailand to Holland. Fine. I understand this bit. But then things get a bit hazy.

In your email you told me to contact the bank in Holland and make arrangements for them to transfer the fund to my account here in the UK. But you also told me to set up a new account with the bank in Holland. Why the blazes do I have to set up a new account with this Dutch bank when they can transfer the money straight to my account with Bartletts?

I just don’t understand. Do I have to set up a new account with these Dutch johnnies or not? You’re not making things clear.

I’m sorry to keep on like this, but I simply don’t understand what the hell is going on, or what the hell I need to do to bring this transaction to a successful conclusion. Please, tell me simply exactly what I have to do, and stop complicating matters.

Here’s a tip. Try using less words next time. It would help.

I look forward to hearing from you by return. As soon as I understand what I have to do, I will move with the speed of a ferret up a trouserleg.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Where’s the damn petition? How long does it take to sign your name? Send it back by return.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Get back to me, for god’s sake

Sent: Mon, 26 Apr 2023 13:32:48

Fung,

Very disappointed to see that you’ve not yet got back to my last email. What are you doing over there, for god’s sake? We have a transaction to conclude here, and this needs commitment from both of us. At the moment it seems to me like I’m having to pilot the plane all by myself while my co-pilot’s snoozing in the rear of the cockpit. Well this just won’t do, do you hear?

As I have already told you, I’m a bit in the dark, having read your emails. Not the best at explaining things simply, are you? Makes my damn head hurt, reading some of the stuff you’ve sent me, I have to say. Too many words and not enough sense if you ask me.

I think what I’ll do is get in touch with the Dutch johnnies at this bank and see what they have to say for themselves. Think that’s probably best, don’t you? I’ll copy you in on the email I send to them.

Incidentally, I’ve come across what looks like a cast iron investment opportunity in the FT today. Grace Brothers, a long-established London department store, is about to float on the stock exchange. The FT interviewed some of the key players. Apparently Mr Humphries has completely revamped their menswear collection, bringing in a new summer range called “I’m Free”, and Mrs Slocombe has introduced a radical new range of lingerie called “Pussy”, which has been getting rave reviews in womens’ magazines. She wouldn’t stop talking about her “Pussy” in the interview the FT did with her, which amused me greatly. But in all seriousness, Fung, Grace Brothers has to be a strong contender for our investment portfolio.

Had a call earlier today from an old RAF chum, Paddy “Hopalong” O’Halloran, Campaign Treasurer of the England for the English campaign. Damn decent chap. You’d like him, Fung. We were chatting away about the good old days, back when we were a couple of young upstarts in the RAF, and it brought to mind the episode that earned “Hopalong” his nickname.

We were both based in your country at the time, and after a heavy night out in the bars of Phuket (another appropriately-named place, as it happens), we ended up sitting on Patong beach drinking Singha beer as the moon rose. Anyway, this local girl approached us and asked if we were interested in any action. I was far too past it to be interested, but O’Halloran was just sober enough to be up for it. Anyway, off they went behind a canoe, and O’Halloran bent her over the canoe and managed to have his way with her. Well, it was only after he’d finished and was pulling up his trousers that he found out she was one of those damn ladyboys!

Well, O’Halloran was livid, I can tell you! He got out his service revolver and was about to shoot the ladyboy, but he was so drunk that he tripped over a piece of driftwood and shot himself in the left foot, blasting off two of his toes! Hence the nickname. I still rib him about that episode nowadays.

Aah, I’ve so many memories of your country. Marvellous place. Ever been to Phuket yourself, Fung?

Right, back to business. I’ll get right onto the bank and let you know what happens.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Send me the petition back immediately. It’s getting urgent now.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance; Cc: Chan Fung

Subject: Enquiry

Sent: Mon, 26 Apr 2023 13:42:42

Dear Sir/Madam/Other,

Guten tag (as I believe you say in Holland).

I am writing to you to arrange the transfer of funds from one of your bank accounts into one of my own bank accounts. I’ve been corresponding with a Thai chappie called Fung – I imagine he’s been in touch with you – on this matter, and Fung has asked me to contact you. To tell the truth, Fung’s confused me somewhat and I’m not entirely sure what I’m supposed to do. I’m hoping you can enlighten me.

Basically, Fung tells me that he’s transferred a heap of money from an account in Thailand to an account in your bank. The money once belonged to some fella called Smith Lawrence, but he’s dead now, so I’m claiming it as mine. I’m his next of kin, do you see? Fung tells me he has documents to back this up if you don’t believe me.

Now then, Fung was talking about me opening an account with your bank, but I wasn’t quite sure what he was getting at, to be honest. I’ve had a quick look at your website, but it was all double-dutch to me. No offence. Do I need to open an account with your bank, or can you transfer the money directly into my own bank account, which is with Bartletts of Lincoln? Fine bank, long-established. Expect you’ve dealt with them before.

Oh, Fung tells me I should ask you to transfer the fund bit by bit, to prevent anyone from looking over their shoulders. He’s very keen that nobody should look over their shoulders. Not sure why, but there you go.

Right. I look forward to a prompt response, with instructions on what I need to do to get my hands on this money of mine that you’re holding.

Auf wiedersehen (as I believe you also say in Holland).

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: What the hell is going on?

Sent: Mon, 26 Apr 2023 13:44:27

Fung,

I’ve just emailed the bank, as you’ll have seen.

My email’s been returned to me as undeliverable: it looks like the bank’s email isn't working.

What the hell is going on? What sort of bank gives an unusable email address on its website? What kind of buffoons are these people?

Send me the bank’s correct email address immediately and I’ll get back to them.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE CONTACT THE BANK IMMEDIATELY

Sent: Mon, 26 Apr 2023 20:03:01 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I am very disappointed in your correspondence. Look partner, you are making things very difficult for me. I told you that the fund is with the bank and that you should contact the bank immediately and let them know you want your fund from Taiwan, while you are telling me you don’t understand. Look, you don’t have to tell the bank in Holland that I am your close friend, as I expect you to contact the bank as the beneficiary of the fund as they have all the documents for the transfer and your names are all bearing the documents and you are supposed to let the bank know that you are a close friend to the late Smith Lawrence, not telling them that you don’t know Smith Lawrence.

Please, $30,000,000.00 is with the bank in Holland. Please contact the bank immediately and let them know you want your fund. I told you before to follow all instructions that are given to you from time to time.

Reach the bank with this email address and update me soon as possible as I don’t want you to disclose anything to the bank, please just let the bank know you need your fund from Taiwan: customerservice@epsfin.com.

All you have to do is to contact the bank to receive your fund from Taiwan, that is all.

I await your fast response as I expect you to treat this as very urgent.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: No need to be rude, Fung

Sent: Tue, 27 Apr 2023 07:19:21

Fung,

I am in receipt of your email. Found it rude, to be perfectly honest. I’m the one who’s been breaking my back here trying to get this transaction off the ground, and all I get from you is insults. Well it just won’t do, Fung. An apology is in order, do you hear?

Despite your truculence, I will make another attempt to contact this so-called bank today. I only hope that the email address you have provided me with works, unlike the one I tried yesterday.

I will keep you updated.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Where’s that damned petition? How many times do I have to ask you this?

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: Enquiry

Sent: Tue, 27 Apr 2023 09:18:31

Dear Sir/Madam/Other,

Guten tag (as I believe you say in Holland).

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.).

I believe that you are currently holding a sum of $30 million that has recently been transferred from an account in Thailand. This money once belonged to a fella called Smith Lawrence, who most carelessly died in a car crash. As it happens, I’m Smith Lawrence’s next of kin, so I’m claiming this money as my own.

Now then, can you transfer the money directly into my own bank account, which I hold with Bartletts of Lincoln? Let me know if you can, and I’ll send you my account details by return.

I’d like the fund transferred bit by bit rather than in one single transaction, to prevent Johnny Taxman from getting suspicious. Sure you understand.

Get back to me as soon as you can with instructions on what I have to do to get my hands on this money of mine.

Auf wiedersehen (as I believe you also say in Holland).

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Tried to contact you yesterday, using an email address you listed on your website, but the damn thing didn’t work. My email was bounced straight back to me as undeliverable. Damn shoddy, if you ask me, putting an email address that doesn’t work on your website. I’d sort it out if I were you: you’ll be losing custom, you mark my words.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: I have contacted the bank

Sent: Tue, 27 Apr 2023 10:14:03

Fung,

A quick note to let you know that I’ve sent the bank another email, and that this one looks like it’s got through to them. Must have used a dicky email address yesterday. Damn sloppy of them to put an invalid email address on their website.

Hopefully Johnny Van Dutchman will get back to me sometime today. I’ll keep you informed of developments.

While you’re waiting to hear from me, may I suggest you spend your time doing something productive: fill in that petition I sent you and get it back to me today. Good man.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Still no word from the bank

Sent: Tue, 27 Apr 2023 16:06:52

Fung,

Still no word from the bank, I’m afraid. Not very impressive, is it? I have to say, Nat West, my own Bank Manager, is always very prompt at responding to queries. I would have thought this Dutch outfit would have been a bit quicker off the mark, especially given the amount of money involved. After all, it’s not like I’m some Dutch schoolboy with a few Guilders in his pocket who wants to open a new account.

Maybe it’s a public holiday in Holland - that might explain it. These continental types tend to declare public holidays at the drop of a hat, from what I’ve heard. It could be National Clog Day, or Go Stick Your Finger In A Dyke Day, or something like that.

Go Stick Your Finger In A Dyke... actually, that reminds me of another experience I had with “Hopalong” O’Halloran in a Thai so-called massage parlour, back in the days when all his toes were still present and correct. No need to go into details here though. Enough said, do you see? Marvellous place, your country. Everything a young chappie could wish for, and all for less than the cost of a pint of beer and a bag of chips back home.

Anyway, I’m assuming you’ve dealt with these Dutch chappies before. You must have done, when you transferred the money to them from Thailand. Any chance you could give them a poke with a sharp stick and wake them up? Can’t afford any delays when there’s large amounts of money at stake.

On another matter, I read about another investment possibility in the FT today that’s worth considering: Fletcher’s Porridge Oats. I read that the Chairman, Norman Stanley Fletcher, recently got the better of his main rival in the business, Mr Mackay’s Oats, and ended up buying them out. If you ask me, it looks like Fletcher’s going straight to the top in the world of oat-based breakfast cereals.

Well Fung, get onto the bank and hurry them along, there’s a good chap. I’m getting sick of these delays, to tell the truth.

Let me know how you get on.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PARTNER, YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY AS THEY WILL CONTACT YOU SOON AS POSSIBLE

Sent: Tue, 27 Apr 2023 15:33:20 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I was not happy with the way you responded to me as I am battling to make sure everything goes successfully. I am sorry if I have used some terms you don’t appreciate, but I never insulted you and I will never do, as you are like a brother and a partner to me at this stage of transaction, because we are going to share this fund immediately the bank in Holland transfers the fund to your account, as I will join you as soon as possible for the sharing.

Partner, I am very happy that you have contacted the bank, and I hope they will get to you as soon as possible. You don’t have to worry about anything as the bank is very busy with official duties.

Please, immediately you receive a contact from the bank, please respond and let them know they should transfer your fund from Taiwan. There is no way I can hasten the bank up because I am not the beneficiary of the fund and I have no say over that fund because the fund was not transferred with my names.

You are the beneficiary of the fund and you have say over that fund and you will instruct the bank to transfer the fund to your account in the UK bit by bit to avoid tax claiming a big share of the fund. I will send your filled-in form as soon as possible as I am very busy with official duties for now and I hope to do that and send it to you as soon as possible.

I thank you for your effort you are putting in and I assure you that we are going to smile as soon as possible as I love your investment ideas you are researching on and I hope we will sit down and conclude the one that will be best to start with as soon as possible.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: I hope to hear from the bank today

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2023 07:09:37

Fung,

Thank you for your email. Let’s hope those fellas at the bank get back to me today then. You say they’re probably busy with official duties, eh? Well, it’s either that or they’re lying flat on their backs in a hashish bar, stoned out of their minds on drugs. I’ve been to Holland, Fung. I know what these Dutch johnnies are like. Bit too free and easy with illegal substances, do you see? Wouldn’t put up with that in this country, you mark my words.

Mind you, Holland does have its good points. As I remember, the ladies around the docks in Amsterdam were most accommodating, if you know what I mean. Enough said. No need to tell the wife and all that. Sure you get my drift. Still, wouldn’t put up with goings-on like that here in Gypping in the Marsh. Alright over there, but it can stay over there.

Glad you like my investment ideas, by the way. Putting a lot of effort into finding decent companies on the up and up to invest our new-found wealth in. Johnny Postman should deliver the FT any time now, so I’ll scour it with my usual intensity and see what drops out of the woodwork today. Will let you know.

Right, time for tea and crumpet. I’ll get back to you as soon as I hear from these chappies at the bank.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: Kindly respond to my enquiry

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2023 10:09:18

Dear Sir/Madam/Other,

Guten tag.

I contacted you yesterday regarding the transfer of a large sum of money of mine that you’re currently holding. Disappointed not to have had a response from you. What with email addresses on your website that don’t work and delays in responding to enquiries, customer service obviously isn’t your strong point. Something you could work on, I’d suggest.

This is a sizeable amount of money we’re talking about, so I’d appreciate it if you could treat this matter with a degree of urgency. Kindly get back to me by return with details of how we can go about transferring this money to my bank account.

Look forward to your prompt response.

Auf wiedersehen.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Still not a peep from the bank

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2023 12:14:29

Fung,

Still not a peep from the bank, despite a brief email from me this morning to chivvy them along. Damn shoddy. Have these people never heard of the concept of customer service?

Shame you couldn’t have picked an English bank to work with, Fung. If you’d have picked Bartletts, for example, I’ll bet we would have been home and dry by now. Bartletts may be a bit of a minnow in the banking ocean, but at least they respond to emails in good time.

It’s the same with all these continental types, if you ask me. Foreigners. You just can’t trust ’em. Present company excepted, of course: I know I can trust you, Fung. You seem to be on the straight and level. Why, you could almost be English.

Picked out another investment opportunity for us in the Financial Times this morning: Rigsby’s Rising Damp Treatment Ltd. Apparently they’re on the verge of perfecting an innovative new way of treating rising damp that should put them way ahead of their rivals. They’re a national company, with plans to expand into Europe, so the potential for growth is enormous. Just as long as they can avoid falling into lackadaisical continental ways when they expand over the channel. One to watch, I’d say. What do you reckon, Fung?

Here’s hoping the damn bank will get in touch this afternoon. I’ll let you know as soon as they do.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance; Cc: Chan Fung

Subject: Respond to my emails, god damn it

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2023 15:43:09

Dear Sir/Madam/Other,

Guten tag.

I contacted you yesterday regarding the transfer of a fund that you are currently holding. I got no response.

I contacted you again this morning. Again, I got no response.

What the hell are you playing at?

Your corporate mission statement, as displayed prominently on your website, states that you aim “to provide first class service to our customers”. I’ve seen precious little evidence of first class service from you. Or any service at all for that matter.

Your website also blathers on about “customer responsiveness and quality service delivery”. There’s been no sign of either of those so far.

Your website also states that you have “invested heavily in communications systems, software and hardware to gain competitive advantage”. Well may I suggest that you start using some of your communications systems, and start responding to my emails?

I am not a patient man, and I will not put up with shoddy service like this. Get back to me at once, or I will take my business elsewhere, do you hear?

Auf wiedersehen.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Respond to my emails, god damn it

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2023 13:04:11 -0400

Dear Gilbert Murray,

This is to inform you that we are in receipt of your mails. Also note that your funds are presently here in our firm. You are required to contact the Director of Payment, Mr Peter Van Bakers, on +31-626-322-273. He is in the position to satisfy your needs.

Best regards,

Pamela Gore

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: Ah, so there is someone working at your bank then

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2023 19:55:25

Dear Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

Thank you for your email. Glad to see someone got back to me eventually. So I’ve got to contact this Van Bakers character, have I? I’ll give him a bell tomorrow morning. Trust he’s better at answering his phone than his so-called “Customer Service department” is at answering their emails.

Auf wiedersehen.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. I’d appreciate it if you could address me properly, dear lady. It’s “Wing Commander Murray” to you, if you don’t mind.

Click here to view the concluding part of this scambust.